There are many things we tend to hold back to. We repress much of our emotions, wether good or bad. Everyone gets angry. Some people express their emotions openly while others don’t. If you are one of those who claim you don’t get angry- you are either in touch with your emotions or you are a pretender. In any relationship, anger can be either healthy or unhealthy. Anger is just an emotion. How you process it is what determines whether it becomes a tool for growth or a source of pain and destruction.
Obviously, in our society, anger is perceived as a negative emotion. If you usually express anger, society would describe you as a harsh, unfriendly and one who cannot control his emotions and himself. Yet, holding back anger affects negatively the person who is holding back. Most of us suppress anger and deny it exists until it rears its head. Whatever we hold back becomes a part of us and gets stored in our body as a tangible manifestation in the form of headache, tension, pain, ulcer, and many other physical ailments. In our relationship, we have found that its always best to deal with any anger that comes up right away! All emotional feelings are signals that there is something in your life that needs to be dealt with, and anger is one of those emotions. Little do we know that the other person may need to hear what we have to say just as much as we need to express it. When anger comes up, it is a sign that something in your life is out of balance and incongruent with how you believe your world should be.
When anger comes up in our relationship, we should try to get to the root of the problem and find out what is really going on. What I have found helpful is to open up a dialogue and just allow the person who is angry to express how and why.
Of course, we need to learn how to express out anger or discontent without 'dumping' on the other. We can express ourselves without destroying the other person's sense of self-worth or attacking them emotionally, verbally, or physically. We should learn to take responsibility for your anger and not project it onto someone else. Use "I" statements to be specific, such as "I am really upset about what you said" instead of "You are rude".
The partner's job is to listen in a detached, non-judgemental way. It is true that this might sound like a lot of work, but with trust and practice, it rewards with a relationship free of resentments.
Reacting quickly and honestly to angry emotions by passes the tendency of periodic explosions and tends to "clear the air". When you defuse anger, you will be able to bring back the connections and love that you have lost in that moment. We can choose to let go of the fear of being wrong, or appearing ridiculous, etc., an act on our feelings. Be true to yourself. Holding back is only postponing the truth and can harm the other as well as ourselves. Holding back is postponing the freedom to be who we really are. A foundation of safety and trust in the relationship must be present to enable us express or listen to anger with love instead of fear. When you express or listen to anger from love instead of fear, the relationship would experience growth and consequently deepens.
10 ULTIMATE RULES FOR A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
Be fair
Be honest
Maintain a strong sense of self and know who you are
Know and nourish your own boundaries. Once you lose your boundaries in any relationship, it is only a matter of time before in dies.
Relationships shouldn’t be an all work affair therefore have fun
It is highly essential to LISTEN AND COMMUNICATE. The same words actually means different things to different people.
Be forgiving. You should bear in mind that everyone makes mistakes. Be ready at all times to forgive.
Nourish the love. Love grows and therefore must be nourished. Nurture love with affection
Cultivate activities done together and separately. Relationships need common grounds but they also need spaces. Don’t share absolutely everything
Last but not the least, if you must throw something, make sure iys soft because its probably coming back!
-Sunday Times
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